Getting back to Grace... Part II... The "crushing"...

Dr. Bronner's, castile soap... blue bottle... All is One.

Baptized in peppermint...

On the surface, stimulating. On a deeper level, a major failing!

Learning Grace, through bubbles... we scrub ourselves clean of pollution.

Issues of purity in all honesty.

We are all of us guilty of being surface-dwellers at various points... and it hits home for me, that I too am guilty.

And this is that state of mind that got me to see the degree of surface that was in me... How fucking dare I!

REALLY?!!!

Now, as to the balls of it all! The audacity of such private thoughts... and why I would share them:

If my intent is understood as "blunt = prevention = no expectationz" and my edict is to "CHANGE THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD" than... I am confident in this 'doing'. In no way is this 'inner dialog' of mine meant to harm. I use it to illustrate my ignorance, which lead to my revelation. My journal is an intimate and private tool from which I use to honestly look at my self outside of my self. To share it is most difficult, and I trust in my brother, his girl and his Mother, that they too, will see and not feel slighted in the least. It's why I love him, and surely why they love him too.


It is a crush. Sure.


But more importantly, it is a SMASHING!


And I don't have the grace my Smash! does... but I try.


Until next post...


Cheers

Getting back to GRACE... Part I

Tangents... So many little inlets and eddies along the way, each as interesting and interlacing as the next. Little this's and that's which captivate us and attempt to steer us from our path...

Well hey, don't sweet the small stuff. Because in each and every one of those little distractions is a reverberating voice with countless sign posts that spit us back out into the stream, whether or not we want it to.

Here is one such example: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/03/weekinreview/03cannell.html?_r=1

And, it is these little distractions which serve to validate our path in the stream!

Anyway, GRACE.

This realization process described above is kinda how I got spat back into the stream. And forgive me for the pun, but there was a lot of Air in between.

And I have to tell you, being in air is very disorienting, at least for me. It is the realm of birds. And it too, is loaded with metaphor, for it is the land of The Gospels. (More on that at some other point. It's a tangent...)

Now, I personally, am much more comfortable in the water. And perhaps, as wacky as it is to some, my having been born in July may have something to do with it. Perhaps I am that Crab: Hard-shelled, soft on the inside, never releasing my grasp on certain things I think precious, always coming at things side-ways... all true to some astronomical archetype.

A distraction? Sure. But ya get spat back-out... with just a glimmer more of insight, a bit more information. And that inspires! Don't sweat it.

So, my 'forming within' process melds with my ability to see within, which puts my spires to new heights! So high, in-fact, that they burst out of me and shoot skyward! And "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"!

Now, you've read everything up to "He Ain't Heavy" I hope, because this is where I'll continue from as best I can.

Grace...

"Grace is Central to a happy home."

It is a geographic locating, yes. It is demographic as well. But most importantly, it is psycho-graphic in that it connects us to the whole.

And we 'wabbits' live in these 'them thar wholes'! And Elmer is always taking shots.

Now, it doesn't take a great deal of imagination to see the import of all of this. On a surface level, there are those out there that take the external of things and never internalize. Takers that never see beyond the outward appearances of things... And in one's life, there are way too many of those Taker-folks out there. And as sad as all that is, and as hopeful as we can be that that is not always the case... we still find ourselves in the company of those surface dwellers that would have easily left us floating on the stream like a spent Mayfly.

No. Get away from those fucko's... Those Takers... Learn to identify them, then back away slowly. Don't turn your back, no matter what they say. These "The They's" want only to destroy you. To feed off-of-you. They are vamparistic, soul-sucking, soul-crushing, coulda-woulda-shoulda's living in the land of Aught! To them, you are naught, but a play-thing to be toyed with. Just get away. (And yet, in some other post, we'll explore a hope that does exist here... latter... just more tangents...)

It is  those OTHERS out there which see beyond that, which see deeper, and that I am most in awe of...

And this seeing, becomes to me, My most-touching introduction to grace that I have ever witnessed!

***
Note:

One way of thinking about the meaning I intend here, is to have 'The Lord of the Rings' in your mind. Imagine if you will, that Samwise Gamgee is not helping Frodo, but Bilbo... (just after his Eleventieth birth-day). After Bilbo's adventures. After his finding of the ring and finally getting home to write it all down. And imagine that it is Sam's place that I am in, as a Bilbo, and before Gandalf swoops in or the giving of that ring to Frodo.

Now, it's not Sam that's talking... It's the Ring. And there is a Sam-like Sam, not Frodo's Sam that's got my back.

We'll, if you can picture this, than you can picture the warmth of it all and what I am trying to convey.

***

From the Corner: 94 North to Irving, left on Central, left on Grace... and you're not sure why, but your whole being begins to vibrate. You shake and shiver. Your palm's start sweating and you feel like you're going to pass-out... You've just gotten out of the hospital, mind you, and you're a bit weak at the knees.

You are tenderly ushered in, made to feel welcome beyond your wildest imaginings and pass-out for a month. It is then, and only then that Grace makes her appearance...

The "crushing" continues... next post.

Cheers

Streams...

So, I have a faith, (in a manner of speaking), that everyone reading this blog will have the critical thinking skills needed to see the connections... connect the dots... and get something out of all of this that they may not have otherwise, if I didn't try to explain it.

And not only with my telling of this story here, but also with this entire blog effort, and life in general!

And surely, none of this is to say that anyone is incapable, nor am I dumbing it down or any other misconfiguration of what can be construed by anyone on any of it. We are all adults. And this is an obsessive inspiration that seeks to inspire what has been inspired in me. It is a dream come true!

And I know you get this, cause if you didn't, we would have lost you posts ago... Yet, it is possible somehow, that you didn't and have still made it this far, so please stick with it, because it only gets better! There are gems/treasures/gifts here that are well worth the effort.

Streams...

Anyway, I really don't know how to begin this next part, because every part is part of the whole... So, maybe we'll start it with a little nursery rhyme we all know:

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Life is but a dream.

Streams... Dreams...

And sure, you can wiki it, Google it, or even ignore it, assume it, or take it for granted... (and there are a million other options as well), but I'm hopeful that you won't deny or dismiss it. And that how ever you decide to process it, I truly want it to hold water.

Streams... Dreams... Life.

Now, for me, and why I bring it all up in the first place is; I am a fish. (See "A Serendipitous Why" in previous posts if you're new here or haven't yet or just plane forgot the reference). And as a fish, I've got to swim against the current and get back to the root-source of this Mr.E.

And this kids-rhyme is a way for me to carry it. (To ReMember it.)

It is a swimming and summing-up of, or a philosophy, or a core value, tenet, etc. that is true to its Latin root for serving as a vessel in with which "to hold" or access "that than which none-greater, can or can not be conceived"... and still further, as "existing or not existing, which must therefore, necessarily exist".[Anselm]

You read it as "a deafening silence".

It is also a defining. (A reFining. A find-thing... and not an un-finning! or un-scaling! OUCH!)

It is "My Precious".

So, here the mystery of Mr.E is getting demystified ever so slightly... and it IS ministry of sorts, but it is NOT an evangelizing... nor some vitriolic zealous preaching... nor some "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO" bullshit.

It is a sharing. It is a caring. It is a doing. It is a naming. It is a telling. It is a thanking.

It just is.

So, what is this "that than which none greater can or can not be conceived of as existing or not existing, that must therefore necessarily exist"?

Is it a boat? Is it a river or stream? Is it an outlook? etc...

Well, like a fish, swimming up a crowded stream, loaded with anglers on all sides, against the current, there are a lot of lines and a lot of hooks that one must navigate.

And as your read, it is my hope that you get between these lines, as all of this is my navigation journal.

Posts on the "Operation" to follow...'Evan-to-all & y'... err... eventually...

Cheers

What a Life!

I have to take pause at all of the wonderful things that are happening to me as of late...

For this is my life. AND WHAT A LIFE IT IS!

This morning for example, I'm on the phone with a peer of mine, and we're going over some things in the de-pollution game, and he says' "Darn Rabbits! Their eating my tulips! Hold on...".

I'm laughing to myself here, because you see, this peer of mine is Dutch. He's also S. African. And the "tulip" reference is just too much! (Read "Botany of Desire", M. Pollen, or see the documentary...)

What plays out, blows my mind. I'm thinking, "What's up, Doc?" Is this the last great white S. African hunter?! Am I on a safari here?! I fantasize that it is... as I really want to go on a safari!

Now, also keep in mind, Chisaka Karima, from Lusaka, Zambia is back home right-now, visiting his mother who's ill. He invited me to join him, thinks I'd love it. But, I'm too poor, too afraid... and... Chisaka is a lot to handle. Anyway, the safari thing came up then in my mind, just as now, so...

My peer gets his air-riffle out, and I hear, "Pff!... click... pump, Puff!", "Got 'em!" he says. "I'd better go get 'em off the grass before the neighbors see this, they'd go bonkers!" I laugh. "That's the third one today!" and we get back to work...

Exchanges of emails, photos on a new product offering we're very excited about, and that the business itself, is really taking off!

And I get another email. This one is to a NY-Times article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/01/business/economy/01jobs.html?_r=1&hp

So I read it and here's my reply... as I just had to share: (It's the serendipitous serendipitating again!)

Wow, right?!

Here's what I got out of it:

"In" the matrix... the human condition is reduced to an "index". And the oddly disproportional concept that the creation of low paying-jobs only perpetuates the problem, was also very enlightening.

So, maybe, more and more people are going to be looking for alternative ways to survive... because somehow, within this system, the 'indexed' GET the indicium of being dex'd from within... just look-up the Latin root for dek-, and the legal def. of indicium to the plural, as I think people inherently know that this "index" is a subtle 'doing-of-language' which attempts to get them to accept, or take... ownership of such absurdities through the obscurities of words. 

To me, that means this Air-Stream life-style that I'm living, is a way to say ever so subtly, "nope. not me. I will not accept. I am not a child. this system is not my parent. I will find a way through this maze... i will not sub-scribe to this pre-scription, for what ails me is the poisoned position presented". There are alternatives, and I will not be sucked into this vortex. (LOL, don't you just love the play on words?!) I'm going to live in the clouds! (Again, google & salesforce & myERP... !!! I love this play on words...)

Hey, have ya seen my blog? http://mrestreaming.blogspot.com/

It's one way... which connects to: others' ways' and how this one (me), deals with it, differently.

An-other way of looking at it all is the "Row. row, row your boat, Gently down the Stream" approach. "Merrily, merrily... Life is but a dream." (Think I mentioned that in our drive through Ohio.)

A lot of families are doing what I am doing, (in much more style and comfort than I, with kids! and careers!), and embracing a new way of thinking, to gain some sense of independence from such an oppressive system, I suppose. A thinking outside of the box, if you will. A paradigm-shift in perspective.

And, my hope is, that by my story being in the STREAM, some others may find it and be moved to action to gain some of that independence back, that they taught us in school to believe as true. (At least that's how the American system was for me... Autonomy & Mobility is what made America great, And an autonomous & mobile person, is in an automobile. And even if that automobile is a bit less than ideal, as long as ya can keep her runnin, yur gonna move closer to that idealized dream, that American Dream. Except this time, quality of life will be salient. [Ref. to Jeremy Rifkin's, "The European Dream", ISBN: 1-58542-345-9]) And if you're as lucky as I, you can do it in one of the only DURABLE goodz ever produced in America... in an AIR-Stream! So, dare to dream... Why the fuck not!

Cheers

And that is the adventure that presented itself to me today. I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I.

Cheers, again.

Video of: He ain't heavy he's my brother

He ain't heavy he's my brother...

GRACE.

The name of a '72 27' Overlander Airstream... (We'll get to "why"... have patience...)

I half imagine to my-self what was going through Derrick's mind when he and Michelle had a chance to talk with that very same social-worker on a different occasion from the one I mentioned in the previous post.

You see, I was having the last slew of tests to find out if those polyps where malignant or not, and upon my return from those tests, I see the social-worker sitting there with Derrick and Michelle and wasn't quite sure what was or wasn't said, or how it played out between Derrick and Michelle to have had made a decision that I thought of at the time, was a bit risky and incredibly uncomfortable for all present.

I could see it in Derrick's eye's... and Michelle's where especially big, too... The social-workers, also... (as I still don't think he'd yet fully gotten over his first experience with my theory into reality Mr.E speech... or the ensuing parade of so many incredibly awesome people that flowed before his very eyes... he looked mystified, or at least, that's how I imagine it...)

So, Derrick's eye's... they get big as saucers, and his brows go way up like they do when he's in a situation that is a bit uncomfortable.

You see, I've seen this on him at the Corner and it's always around something he knows is gonna be difficult and potentially explosive... He knows things...

I tense up... he tenses further... Michelle's eyes are getting bigger and he says, "Dude, I know how ya are all proud and shit... but you can stay with us. Right Michelle?" She says, "Er... ah... Yeah! Right! You can stay with us!" (Her voice goes way up when she's nervous...)

The social-worker about jumps out of his skin and interjects, "That's awesome!"

I'm blown away, just got out of a series of tests... and am not sure what to think or do and don't want anyone to know I'm scared out of my mind and that a million scenarios are playing in my head as to how this unbelievably awesome gesture is gonna fuck up big-time!

I like this guy! I hardly know this young woman, and both he and Michelle hardly know me! She, even less so than he!... (Social-worker is long absent from my mind by now...) And Derrick has seen me in some of my more, shall we say, less-than-flattering drunken, stubborn-headed, depressed, angry miserable-fuck-the-world moods to boot! That "light-cranial-contact" moment comes to mind... "No Way!" I'm thinking.

Why the hell would he offer this? Why would she agree?!

I mean, wait... sure they've been here from the moment they could all the way through it till now, and the moral support thing and all is generous beyond words, sure. But this?! Whoa...

OK.

Hmm...

I can do this I'm thinking. But, I am gonna have to pull what I call "pause" outta my ass like never before and be as humble and gracious for this, far beyond anything I have ever done before... my pride can go fuck itself... cause this is a once in a life, second chance opportunity that I dare not mess-up. My life depends on it! And besides, this same Samoan monster-of-a-man has literally picked me up and threw me to the ground like a rag-doll for slappin one of his freshly inked tatt's, AFTER he specifically told me NOT too!

And... I don't have any other options...

And... I like this guy!

And and and... Apparently...

In short, I'm blown away.

So, after the check-out process: I, this sick, little kid-like old man, twenty years the senior of these two awesome human beings is hobblin my rickety-ass out to their car and flops dead into the middle of their lives for the next four months! Seriously.

There are a slew of particulars that I'll spare ya here, but suffice it to say, they brought me into their home! A modest one bedroom basement flat. A kitchen neatly tucked between a bathroom and a living room on one side, with the bedroom and office area on the other. It's kinda like this here Airstream, in fact... It's cozy, sure. But it's clean and it's warm and it's charming.

I'm shittin bricks... this has gotta be a test!The universe it testing all of us here! This could get whacked super-fast!

Poor Michelle has no place to hide, nor does Derrick, nor do I.

Patience and pause... I'm ready. Braced, and ready. Bring it on!

Than, for all intents and purposes, I pass-out for the fist month. Getting up to eat and tied to the toilet when I'm not doing that or sleeping. Time passes lightning fast... Second month, I'm journaling like a mad-man! Then passing out for 14 plus hours at a time. Third month, I'm starting to show signs of life and Derrick puts me to some small tasks, and I start to feel as though I have some use. Michelle and I are getting familiar with each other and we're having some of the best conversations I've ever had! (Hope she feels the same.)

And quite frankly, there isn't one little burp in all of it!

No problems whatsoever between any of us! None!

NONE!

It gives me new pause. A new sense of pause...

And I go out to get some groceries one day, and as I'm coming back... I notice I'm on Central. Then I make a right turn off of Central on to Grace and than around, to the front of the house and park.

And I sit there.

Had to be a good twenty minutes or so, because I'm sitting there weeping like a fool again. This time, it cause I realize that Grace is Central to a good home. And this is that home.

And these two have shared with me something so beyond words, so awesomely amazingly loving, caring, and the kindest, most giving, positive, practical, caring people I have ever met in my life. How does one even begin to express one's appreciation and my most fortunate pleasure of being fully embraced by them? Their concern for my well-being... excessive generosity... nothing short of miraculous... unconditional love... it overwhelm's me...

To be embraced with such a warm cocoon of love... wrapped in silken threads of countless deeds, actions & words with the only expectation that I turn into the butterfly they see hidden in a worm...

Gratitude isn't enough!

Their grace, saving my life, gentile encouragement in countless ways, selfless sharing, a rock, a root, a pillar, patience, reasoned calm, balanced perspective... shit!

"Grace is central to a happy home"... A home I am now in... 

And as I'm sitting in the car crying all over the food, what comes on the radio?!

"He ain't heavy... He's my brother" [Bob Russell, 1969 done by the Hollies c. 1972]

"The road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads to who knows where... But I'm strong, strong enoough to carry him;... His welfair is my concern... for I know he would not encumber me;... If I'm laden at all, I'm laden with sadness that every one's heart isn't filled with the gladness of love for one another. It's a long, long road, from which there is no return. While we're on our way to there, why not share? And the load doesn't weigh me down at all; He ain't heavy..."

This big Samoan mutha-fucka and his little itty-bitty rock-star of a woman rock my world... and the serendipitous serendips again! They are BOTH my brother...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFUI452XXrM


Oh no ya don't...

Wipe those eyes! We've still got some ground to cover before we get to the GOOD-STUFF! I am dead serious. It Gets Better!

Till next post, Cheers

The Healing Process...

Posted 03-27-2011 at 11:06 AM by Mr.E

Tags 1972 27' overlander, alumadillo, grace

---

As you read in the previous post, Derrick, my bar-keep from The Corner steps up! Actually, let me back up a bit...

This social-worker comes into my room about a day after I get out of the ER and introduces himself. It's basically a question and answer session... him getting to know my situation and see how he can help to get me back on my feet and into rehab. Now before I go on, you need to have a picture of the University of Chicago mind-set.

You see, the UofC is considered to be the best-of-the-best in many fields, medical in particular, (at least for my purposes of explaining things here). And in being the best-of-the-best, you can imagine that there is an air of privilegedness. For, in order to 'BE' at the UofC, you have to be top of your class, you have to have access to funds, and you have to be a ninja! Because they're going to put you through the ringer and if you ain't got it, you ain't gonna make it. It's the best-of -the-best! Period. And that also means that you most likely live in the land-of-cerebral-masturbation known as theory. Academia or as I call it Academentia, as the longer you stay in Hyde Park, the more isolated you become, the more removed from the realities of the outside you become. It's a bubble.

And it's not to say that they are not so proud as to be insensitive to the larger world in-which they live, no far from it. In fact they are all fascinated with the outside world, its peoples and its happenings. They seek to understand.

And it is this curiosity that has won me many many quality relationships with UofC Alums over the years, and my having had these wonderful experiences is what I think got me admitted in the first place. They understand that genius is not tied to access and they know that they are privileged in having that access, and humble in that knowledge and use of it. They are gracious.

Now, with that picture in your mind, you should see there is a chance that my situation could be lost in translation from the Actual into the Theoretical. Or into their language.

So, back to the social-worker. In the in-depth Q&A process... I didn't fall into any of their academically astute, thoroughly complete set of variables. I have no mailing address. I workamp across America, I am medically uninsured, I have next to zero contact with my family, I am poor, and there is no place for me to go. All of what I called 'friends' then, before what actually happened, are all too self-involved in their lives, their families, their careers. And who could blame them? They have no responsibility for me anyway. That's my job, so tough-beans. I am on my own. The social-worker is taken aback and visibly concerned. What is he going to do with me? Why am I even here? How is it that this is really the case?... etc... must have all been spinning in his head.

We go back and forth on options he suggests... things like 'if' i could get a room someplace... 'if' I would get back into society... 'if' I would take a more stable job... and 'if', 'if', 'if'...

I explain some realities he hadn't considered offering... and if he would entertain the theoretical idea that I am a Mr.E... where all is right as rain, that I am, and being that I am, it is ok for me to be me. Mr.E. That's who I am, Mr. Evan A. Ellefsen, a mystery not only to myself, but to so many others as well. A mystery, a Mr.E, and all I am is my ministry. For those who know me on a personal level, you have heard first hand some of my rambling babbles, my ministry if you will. And for some of you, I am quite entertaining, and for others, it can get a bit heavy at times.

Now, there are those that presuppose, that they know me. That somehow, they know what I have and have not processed repeatedly, over and over in my mind, and the situation in which I find myself is the situation in which I find myself. These they's know it so well in fact, that they have tons of useless sh*t advice to offer on what I should, could, ought or might do to get back in the game. They say, "you're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn-it, people like you", and as all fine and good as that is, it is the one and only thing I posses. It is to this point exactlly... What "I SHOULD DO..."

Before that cool breeze of realization hit me, I was at a place that held no direction, just a repeating loop of bullsh*t and only I could break the cycle that it represented, I had to stop procrastinating and act. I had to be me, do me and learn that the me that is, is a verb. An action. A process of taking the abstract into reality, the theoretical into action. I can not martyr my self for some idealized concept of the paradigm and how it aught to exist, because it can only exist as I think it aught to, only in my mind, my world. All these others have their own paths they must follow, and those intersecting moments along the journey are happenstance, coincidences, luck, fate or fancy. Take and give freely from each of these experiences, and hopefully, learn something in the process. Either way, in the Buddhist conception of self, there is no self, hence no me. Only attachments to desires exist. There is no permanence. I will get old, I will get sick and I will die. So will you. So will everything. And... all those material attachments you have to 'stuff', will be taken from you by moths, rust and thieves. So, enjoy that short term lease when it's your turn to play with your borrowed 'stuff', remember, you can't take any of it with you. For me, that means my camp gear and all of its paraphernalia...

And that is when the Universe speaks and a flood of affection and concern for my well-being opens up and people start flooding my room.

As you can imagine my surprise, you can't even imagine the look on this fellows face! It just put his theoretical mind into an actual, reality based reality...that he may never recover from.

To me, it is the serendipitous serendipiting!

Why?

I don't know, but I hope you read it back a few posts... cause it says it better than this attempt.

Call it the Divine.

Call it what ever you want.

It just is.

And I am truly blessed.

(We'll get to my bar-keep next post...)

"Hey Bar-Keep! Can ya refresh my ice-cubes!" as per some other patron... See: http://www.youtube.com/wat
ch?v=qr5PZuE_vaU

Cause hey man, ya know I luv ya brother... It applies here, too... So THANKS, more!